I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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