i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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