life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
