I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
