I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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