my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
