If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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