tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
