i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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