I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
