3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
