Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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