He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
