I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize