i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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