I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
