i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
