Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize