If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
