The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize