I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She even gives head with a lisp.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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