sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
