Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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