Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i now understand why vodka
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
