Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
