Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
