Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
