I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
