mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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