After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
