ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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