My Higher Power is John Stamos
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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