U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
