What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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