yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
