the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
