see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
