Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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