Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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