Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
