we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
