I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
