Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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