and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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