I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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