no, he came in my armpit
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
