And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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