dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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