I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
