She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize