dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
