you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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