your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
