I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize